Fault

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So the last posts have been about me venting, me blaming you.
It’s not all about you.
I know it’s also my fault, I know a lot of it falls back on me. I’m the mom. I should have seen it coming. How does a mom not realize what’s going on, how do I not know how far it’s gone. I thought it would get better. That she just needed to get used to being in high school, to start to miss her dad so she could forgive him. I believed her when she said she went to school. I trusted her.

When everything fell apart I wasn’t sure what to do, how to do it or what the fuck was going to happen. It felt like I was falling and no one was going to catch me. Honestly I really didn’t want to be caught. I wanted to be held and told that everything was going to be okay, that this wasn’t my life. That didn’t happen, it couldn’t happen, I had to get my girl better and if I tumbled she’d be tumbling right beside me. Her falling was not an option. I’m the mom, she was going to get better. I got her out, got her help and when she starts to melt which she has done again I’ve held her and me together.

We are getting past this, we will because I will make sure we do. Because she’s half of me and that half is STRONG.

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Jealous… No I feel sorry for you

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I’ll start by being honest. When I first learned about you it worried me. Not because you were dating my ex and I still had feelings. Nope not even a little bit. It was the fact that we have two kids together and since they’re older you would have to win them over. I know my kids well enough to know they can be bought, and it was close to Christmas. What if you bought them. What if they liked you more. I’ll admit it, it upset me and I had a good cry. Then I realized, it’s not gonna happen, I’m the mom, I carried them and they’ve spent more time with me than anyone else.
Once I realized this, I was fine. Happy even. You took the pressure off. No more random texts, no more pretending I didn’t get them. No more drunk texts. Shit maybe we could even get along better. He’d actually be happy.
None of that happened. Every time I saw him he looked like he had something stuck up his ass. I was no longer allowed to text him, all communication had to be email and no phone calls. When did I ever call to chat. But whatever, my kids liked you and said you were nice. Worked for me, they were happy and so was I.
But then, yes I know I mention this on every post (obviously not over it) the hospital incident.
You knew my kid was in the hospital and you texted her. WTF did you need to text for. Who the fuck are you. Worthless is what comes to mind. Yes it was a nice message I guess whatever. But you’re just the girlfriend or in other words, no one. Your role should have been to get her father to the hospital. You knew they were fighting, but you should have realized the relationship they had. Yet you did nothing. How do you date a man and stay with him after finding out he wouldn’t even stand for his daughter. What good are you if you can’t even get a man to see his daughter when tragedy strikes. Use your wiles. Bat your eyes. Threaten him. Jeesus man the fuck up woman! Yes I blame you! How do you stay with him. He’s fighting with an emotional 14-year-old. Really this is the man you wanna love and live with? I knew then we definitely wouldn’t get along. Ever.
Then the random texts started coming. They were from him but odd. Like a jealous girl got a hold of his phone and decided to text his ex then delete it. Really once a month for 3 months. I knew it wasn’t him. I’m not stupid. You are though.  I always screen shot those random texts and sent them to him, sorry if his phone is pass-coded now. My bad.  So just in case you find this post and are smart enough to realize I’m talking about you this is to you: Why the fuck! Would you even think I wanted that bastard back. I’ve been over him and done with that for years. If I call him it’s about the kids. If I text him it’s about the kids. And as of September 4th, 2013, I fucking hate him. So next time you get the urge to text me from him, remember this is about You, not me. You and him are in a relationship. Not him and me definitely not you and me. Stop being jealous and remember he was a better person before he found you.

I wish you both all the best; love, happiness and a life together forever.

You should read this you Asshole

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So if you read the last post you may realize that my baby daddy is a POS. Yea I said it, yes I mean it! A lot of you probably think the same about yours.
So this is to you, you POS.
I told you that fighting with our daughter for the reasons you were, were going to end badly.
You don’t call a 14 year old girl at the exact time of her party that you are supposed to be at to tell her you aren’t coming. Let me tell you what happened… Crying you asshole, she cried while her guests were arriving. And then I tried to blame you not coming, on me. That’s right, I threw myself under the bus to get her over the hurt that you caused. So we move on, she still goes to see you she’s hurt but it’s Father’s Day. Then 10 minutes after you guys leave I get a text “dad went to Elaine’s the evil bitch gf friends graduation party!” How do I even try and do a ring around that!!! I can’t. I tried. She’s 14 and smarter then I am, obviously. So she stops going to your house. This girl would rather join the cross country team for high school than go to your house. So what does your dumb ass do to get her to come back. Wait for it this is good…
You start a text war with her! You tell her don’t question me, I’m your dad, I support you, you can question me when you can support yourself. Then you get me involved, you tell me exactly what you told her. So I told you, just apologize. Tell her that you should have gone to the party. I tell you she loves you and if you do that she’ll forgive you. I text that if you don’t do this and you keep fighting you will lose her. Hmmm that fight didn’t work as well as you thought it would did it. Did it! So when did you see her last? Have you talked to her? Are you even supporting her anymore? Could you ruin this relationship any more than it already is. Oh yes you could.
Cuz lets see, it’s September 4th. I’m having a hell of a time just trying to get her to go to school and we are fighting everyday. Then she tells not only me but her uncles that she doesn’t want to live anymore. My baby girl says she’d rather die. She hates everything and she hates everyone. It’s 100 degrees outside and she’s wearing a hoodie. She has two or three cuts running down her arm. I show up at your house and I tell you what’s happening and you say “she doesn’t listen to me, just take her.” She can hear you too, stupid. So I take her, we’re there, you aren’t. My parents are in the ER waiting room for 5 hours, they saw her for 2 minutes that whole time. Where were you! How could you not be there? Opening is now slammed shut. Good job there ace.
Window opened again in October. She texts you a picture of herself in her homecoming dress.
Did you even realize that holy shit! she’s creating an in. Text her. Love her. Apologize, dumbass! It’s been since June, you are the adult, make a fucking move. Are you. Can you. Do you. No, you are an idiot.
I’ve been trying to get her back to you. Every weekend I tell her you love her, that you miss her and that she needs to forgive. Yea that’s right I HATE you, but I know she should have you in her life, and I know that she wants you back. Dude be the bigger fucking person, you are the Dad. Apologize, cry, whine, BEG! She needs you! You should be the best guy in her life.
But you aren’t. Don’t worry though she has me and I was both for awhile, in the beginning and when work was more important to you. I am doing it all again and I’m fine with it. She also has the man that I had, her grandpa. He is amazing and he listens. She can look up to real men, her uncles, they will always be there for her. Especially since you aren’t, since you can’t or since you won’t. You are missing out. You won’t get the years back and the longer you wait the less time you’ll have.
So like I texted you before… I’ll let you know when she needs you, so you can NOT be there for her. Again.

Forgive and Forget or Keep the Grudge

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So, it’s a new year. Do I need a New Years resolution? Will I actually abide by it? Probably not.
I just need to let go of some shit this year.
Will I. Who knows. Will this help. Probably not.

First let’s define some words.

Forgive. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
Forgiveness. The act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

Grudge. A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
Grudge. be resentfully unwilling to give, grant, or allow (something).

I am definitely better at the grudge. I can hold on to something against someone, Forever. It’s a gift. A curse? Nah. A super power!
Forgiveness the definition states it’s a process. Obviously I’m going to need this process because my “gift” is pretty hard-core. I can’t seem to or even want to be the bigger person. Why should I? This is your fault, you deserve this. And I hate you. You always hear people say, hate? that’s a harsh word. do you really mean hate. And in this case, I do. I hate you, I think you are a piece of shit. Ok ok maybe that’s a little harsh. Can I forgive. Will I ever stop feeling angry or resentful. I’m not sure. Being a mom, I feel like saying this mistake or even flaw is putting it mildly.
Ok let’s just break this shit down.

You say you are going to her party. You call and don’t go.
You guys fight and stop talking.
A couple texts that didn’t go thru.
The chuck e cheese incident.
Showing up at your house.
The hospital.
You didn’t come to the hospital.
The voluntary stay.
The phone call, info exchanged.
You not showing up at the hospital again.
Texts that did go thru.

So let’s see. You weren’t there for her. You didn’t get in the car. You didn’t show up. You left a voicemail. A voicemail!!! We were at the hospital which is 5 fucking minutes from your house! You have my phone go straight to voicemail if I call you, even though you know I’m at the hospital with OUR daughter. Oh did I mention the fact she wanted to kill herself. I did to you when I showed up at your house.
Ok let’s also acknowledge the fact that I needed you too. You are the other half of her. The person who I should be able to count on to be there when something happens to our children. Where were you? How could you let me deal with this shit alone. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, I wasn’t alone, but it felt like I was.

Forgiveness. Can I. I can. Will I. I’m still not sure. But this helped.

2013 is finally OVER!

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Its been a long year, a lot of shit happened and the summer SUCKED ASS!

  • There was a hospital trip that ended with a 2 day sleep over. I’m still not sure I’m over this experience. I still wake up to make sure my daughter is alive, I also check her arms and legs. just in case. I text her randomly just to make sure she responds. I freak out if it takes too long. I’m not sure what too long is.
  • My daughter learned that her father is an asshole, and he wasn’t there when she needed him the most.
  • My baby daddy decided that child support is no longer in my future.
  • Figuring out that I made a horrible choice in who I procreated with. ugh we did make two good-looking kids but damn!
  • Moving close enough to the high school so my kids could walk, they’re now going to a different high school…. And it isn’t walking distance
  • My son is now an only child at his father’s house, him and I now fight too much over the fact that he can’t do whatever he wants at my house.
  • I have two teenagers in my house, they fight all the time! No one ever wins.

But… some cool shit happened too

  • My baby girl promoted from 8th grade to high school. I can’t believe I’m that old!
  • We moved into a house. Just renting but the back yard is huge!
  • My Dad retired!!!! and since him and my Mom are awesome! He drives my children to school, at two different times, in two different directions. Thank god for parents! I love my DAD!!

It seems like you remember the bad stuff more than the good stuff. I want to remember everything. Maybe blogging will help, maybe it won’t. Too scared to make this public tho. or I did and I posted before I deleted this sentence.

Ok so I’m sure you can tell this is my first blog, I’m trying to get shit out of my head, I’m hoping this helps. None of these first few posts are going to make sense, I’m hoping eventually they will. Honestly though I don’t want anyone to really read this. 🙂 I am seriously too old to have my grammar be this bad or to have all this shit in my head that I can’t control.