So, it’s a new year. Do I need a New Years resolution? Will I actually abide by it? Probably not.
I just need to let go of some shit this year.
Will I. Who knows. Will this help. Probably not.
First let’s define some words.
Forgive. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
Forgiveness. The act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
Grudge. A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
Grudge. be resentfully unwilling to give, grant, or allow (something).
I am definitely better at the grudge. I can hold on to something against someone, Forever. It’s a gift. A curse? Nah. A super power!
Forgiveness the definition states it’s a process. Obviously I’m going to need this process because my “gift” is pretty hard-core. I can’t seem to or even want to be the bigger person. Why should I? This is your fault, you deserve this. And I hate you. You always hear people say, hate? that’s a harsh word. do you really mean hate. And in this case, I do. I hate you, I think you are a piece of shit. Ok ok maybe that’s a little harsh. Can I forgive. Will I ever stop feeling angry or resentful. I’m not sure. Being a mom, I feel like saying this mistake or even flaw is putting it mildly.
Ok let’s just break this shit down.
You say you are going to her party. You call and don’t go.
You guys fight and stop talking.
A couple texts that didn’t go thru.
The chuck e cheese incident.
Showing up at your house.
You didn’t come to the hospital.
The voluntary stay.
The phone call, info exchanged.
You not showing up at the hospital again.
Texts that did go thru.
So let’s see. You weren’t there for her. You didn’t get in the car. You didn’t show up. You left a voicemail. A voicemail!!! We were at the hospital which is 5 fucking minutes from your house! You have my phone go straight to voicemail if I call you, even though you know I’m at the hospital with OUR daughter. Oh did I mention the fact she wanted to kill herself. I did to you when I showed up at your house.
Ok let’s also acknowledge the fact that I needed you too. You are the other half of her. The person who I should be able to count on to be there when something happens to our children. Where were you? How could you let me deal with this shit alone. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, I wasn’t alone, but it felt like I was.
Forgiveness. Can I. I can. Will I. I’m still not sure. But this helped.